census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
