i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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