Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
