the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
