whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
