I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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