dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
