I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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