Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
