good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
