3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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