I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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