My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
