she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
