I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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