We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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