I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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