And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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