Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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