If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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