At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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