Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize