So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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