Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
