Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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