btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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