Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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