does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
