broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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