i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
