God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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