Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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