I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
