there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
