her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
