no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
