Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
