I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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