threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I don't want my vagina anymore.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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