i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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