Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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