I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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