Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
