Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
