she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
