I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
