Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
