I want to walk on stilts...naked
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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