dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
