I would go down on you faster than GM stock
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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