my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
