And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
