I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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