Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
