She is in my trunk
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
