Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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