hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize