I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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