The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
